Why do relationships fail? - How can they work?

BeiYin: Giving lack of 'communication' the fault, we first need to be clear about what 'communication' is. Let's have a look at:

Wikipedia: "Communication is a process of transferring information from one entity to another. Communication is commonly defined as "the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs".
The receiver then decodes the message and gives the sender a feedback. All forms of communication require a sender, a message, and a receiver. Communication requires that all parties have an area of communicative commonality. There are auditory means, such as speech, song, and tone of voice, and there are nonverbal means, such as body language, sign language, para-language, touch, eye contact, through media, i.e., pictures, graphics and sound, and writing."

BeiYin: Well, this explication is the most superficial possible and is more confusing than communicating an 'information'. Let me take it apart to find some thing that goes a bit further... "Communication is a process of transferring information from one entity to another Communication is commonly defined as "the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs." I would say: Communication can happen when there is a connection between two or more individuals with the intention to exchange information, but not only information because this is mostly limited to the mind. There can also happen communication without words on the emotional level or beyond... Depending on the capability of the individuals involved and the quality and intensity of the connection, the process has more or less success so that a *real communication* can happen. 'Capability' means that the individuals condition is developed enough, so that information or energy can be received and interpreted in a more objective way. In contrary when the individual is not capable and is interpreting out of ones unconscious background, then information or the transmitted energy only will be understood in so far as it confirms the established concepts, the world view and self image of the involved persons. People might still call this 'communication' but it stays on a very superficial level, when it only just is confirming each other in ones personality and the games that are used. For example when people meet and exchanging the usual set phrase: How are you? Oh, I'm fine and you? Mostly people are not interested to know how the others state of health or mood is and they react strange if the other really talks about ones feelings. One can also see it in a positive way like in Louis Armstrong's song: What a wonderful Worldwhen he sings: "Friends passing by, shaking hands, how do you do?" But really want to say: "I love you"... Then he is communicating with his audience and sharing his feelings. And I must say that I really love his way how Louis is expressing himself... Of course this can be easily received, because it is a song, but when there are transmitted feelings or information in a relationship then this shows up to be much more complex and complicate. We come back to this later... Let's continue with the Mikipedia info: "The receiver then decodes the message and gives the sender a feedback. All forms of communication require a sender, a message, and a receiver."
Yes indeed: The receiver decodes the expression of the other person, that means comparing it with ones own stored 'data base' and then reacting by accepting or rejecting it, expressing this verbally or in an other way, what could be understood as 'feedback'. What seems to be important is the fact that whatever is transmitted in a 'communication' has to pass ones individual filter and only that will be accepted that confirms ones established programs, concepts, view and self image.

Comment: But there is also some openness to receive something beyond, or not?

BeiYin: 'Openness' is part of the self image people have, as they want to be modern or spiritual, but in reality they are not and only limited to their personality that is defending ones property and doesn't allow any influence that would reduce it. Back to Wikipedia: "There are auditory means, such as speech, song, and tone of voice, and there are nonverbal means, such as body language, sign language, paralanguage, touch, eye contact, through media, i.e., pictures, graphics and sound, and writing." Well, that we know, but let's look at these 'nonverbal means' such as body language. This is mostly an unconscious expression, even though it is received and then will cause a reaction. Oh yes, of course 'eye contact' can be a strong way of communication, not only to attract the other person, but also to provoke a negative reaction, so that one can respond getting out one's anger. - When I visited the USA I was warned by friends not to look into the eyes of people, that could provoke a violent reaction from them...

Linda: The major reason that relationships fail is that there is a disconnect in communication. Communication is basically the ability to connect and to see eye to eye on a situation or a issues. The ability to not being able to communicate is a major cause of relationships failing because if two people are not talking then the relationship is not being built up but preparing for a major breakup.

BeiYin: When I'm reading this then I'm getting sad about the fact that such a popular writer like you is not expressing yourself in a more profound way than Wikipedia. Isn't it pretty clear that a failure of communication is the result of underlying conditions? It is a common symptom in a relationship that is based on wishful conditions that are part of our society with their fake values and concepts. But the expectations based on these fake values can't be fulfilled in a relationship in daily life and then people are lost and helpless, always expecting attention, help and embracing feelings from the other. It is not that a person is not able to communicate, there is a constant expression going on, even though not with words but with body language, eye expression or by doing things that provoke the other to respond. But then the response is not what is expected and then the 'love' is fading away. And of course giving the fault to the other... There is more communication possible between a deaf couple than between people in a disappointed relationship. Why?

Linda: Failing relationships and breakups do not just happen. What happens is that the process is gradually and can or can not be started with a disagreement or an argument. The gradual disconnect in conversations start with the partners growing further and further apart in what was thought at first to be shared interest and goals. The share interests and goals that are essential to the relationship are not discussed or talked about and that is when the major disconnect of the relationship begins.

BeiYin: Exactly! The failure is inbuilt even before people meet each other. When they meet, loaded with all kind of needs that urgently want to be fulfilled, then projecting the possibility getting all this from the other, easily is projected. All signs that might tell the contrary will be ignored and so people are drawn to each other often with the most superficial needs and images. One of the most popular is the sexual attraction. As a shared 'interest and goal' this is not enough and when the first dynamic fades away, then there is not much left and an essential lack shows up that can't be filled with discussion as there is nothing to talk about. Emptiness and disappointment is left and both are reacting out of it. Provoking the other and getting some attention, but then mostly acting or talking out of their negativity, causing even more pain and suffering.

Question: How can this be avoided?

BeiYin: As long as it is the common expectation in this society, that happiness and fulfillment can be reached in a relationship by just creating the 'perfect' conditions by owning a comfortable house, having plenty of money and so on... then there will be only some interests that will be completed, often not even these and struggling is part of daily life. More essential needs will stay unfulfilled mostly not even being ask for. Every body is looking for the 'perfect' partner and then wondering why it doesn't work. In rare cases it comes to a communication where the need to be confirmed is left behind and questions might show up that include not only ones behavior and needs, but digs deeper into the conditions of human nature. When the relationship is seen and understood as a challenge to learn, to grow up and to transform ones limited personality into a more conscious being, then even disappointment can be used in this process and the result will be joy and togetherness.

Linda: We can observe around us, that relationships become less of a union and more of a party of two separate individuals who no longer wants to be in the relationship together or who do not want to be in the presence of each other.

BeiYin: There has never been a real 'union' in a 'failing elationship', only the wishful thinking, projecting the possible fulfillment of ones needs into the other. A picture world produced and maintained in this society that has created a fake reality. People are trying to live this and of course must fail and within this also relationships. Isn't it time to question ones childish attitude and behavior when looking for the fault in the other and outside conditions?

Linda: Relationships are all about getting along with each other and a failing relationship would not have this major component that could get the relationship. The first sign of a failing relationship is the communication issue and either the couple should talk to a relationship expert or to a relationship counselor if their is any hopes of saving the relationship.

BeiYin: The relationship will be saved when both partners come to the step seeing that 'self-knowledge is the first step towards self-improvement' and so also of their relationship. What means that they are ready to take self responsibility and get out of dependencies. They will understand that this is 'hard work' within the daily happenings of their life as a couple and the contrary they had expected from their relationship, when they first came together, but they also will understand that even though their partner is not what they had expected, he/she is exactly the right one as a challenge to grow beyond oneself... If both know this, then they can grow into a 'happy and fulfilled relationship' and then also a *real communication* will happen, not just to confirm each other but to help each other to be aware of ones established straitjacket, - with the good chance to get out of it...

Linda: It is interesting that one inundated with meditating disciplines would comment on a relationship failing instead of the other hubs about saving or building relationships.

BeiYin: I haven't written any thing about meditation in my hub and I don't know how you get the idea that I am 'inundated with meditation'. Indeed I have been meditating for more than fifty years and I am absolutely convinced that meditation is an important practice on ones way to grow up, what means to rise ones awareness. That of course would be the most important and essential to save a failing relationship, but I haven't mentioned this in my hub, not yet until now, because just the word 'meditation' creates resistance. I can tell you in details why this happens, if you are interested to know...
I haven't made a comment to your other hubs about relationships because I read first the one about 'failing relationships' and then made my hub. I might come later to your other hubs...

Linda: Meditation as defined by Wikipedia is as follows: "Meditation is a holistic discipline by which the practitioner attempts to get beyond the reflexive, 'thinking' mind into a deeper state of relaxation or awareness. Meditation is a component of many religions, and has been practiced since antiquity. It is also practiced outside religious traditions."

BeiYin: The definitions from Wikipedia are often not only superficial, but also incomplete and so easily incorrect. I will not comment more on this subject, maybe later in a new hub...

Linda: To get beyond reflexive thinking and to have religious implications would indicate that the user of meditation is looking at the positives of a situation and on building ones self up. Religion, without consulting Wikipedia is a belief in a higher power of good that is above ones self. Writing on failed relationships is appreciated; however, a response uplifting relationships would have been more logical from one who meditates and requests followers.

BeiYin: Your interpretation and conclusion is coming out of your personal gathered concepts and limited to this, so pretty dull and wrong. I just tell you that I never write about religion and I avoid it to go to categories like 'spirituality & religion', so please don't put me into the same pot. If my response can't be seen and understood as 'uplifting' when I talk about creating the basic conditions for a creative way to deal with difficulties, then I can't say more... I am not requesting any 'followers' and I have none, - that doesn't make me happy, when I have to realize that hardly anybody is reading my hubs and rarely making a comment. I could give up now, as it looks like that my input is not wanted, but I continue because it feels right to me just to share my point of view, believing that the offered information can give an answer to some one who is looking for it. By the way: Do you think that having many followers and having written many hubs, is a proof that your expression has some value that goes beyond the usual consumer level? Of course it is necessary, when being clever to make money with ones popularity, to stay on this level to attract many reader and followers as this makes many sales. Indeed, I ask myself: What I'm doing here?

Linda: Having said that about the selection of failing relationship response from a meditator, this response is rendered from the dissection of the hub about failing relationship into a conversational prose.

BeiYin: Sorry, my english is not good enough to understand this and frankly: I'm not so much interested as it seems to me that you are just demonstrating your superiority as a authoritarian writer, that would be reason enough to quit this exchange, but I will continue, because the reader might get out something from it...

Linda: Communication is explained correctly as explained for the excerpt from Wikipedia but the personal take on body language is only an inference of what is perceived by another based on their inclinations. For example, it is popular to say that one with folded arms is reclusive type and an introvert. Yet upon approaching the person to start a conversation, the person may just be resting their arms on their abdomen without any indication of being reclusive. It is the communication, the actual exchange of words from one individual to another that "communicates" to one another the thoughts wished to be conveyed. Body language can not be conceived as a real language of communication but is superficial. Even spoken thoughts can be misconstrued with mistruths depending on the context of the conversation and the relationship between two people.

BeiYin: Just because something is 'popular' it is not necessarily wrong or right. Staying on this superficial level starts to make me feeling bored. - When I wrote that the body language of a person is received and can provoke a reaction, then I didn't mean that this self expression through body language is interpreted because the receiver read a book about body language, then indeed the interpretation might be 'superficial'. The *energy* is received, even not consciously, so it will provoke a reaction. We know that even dogs are capable for this. Cesar Millan is teaching people about it and has good results with bad behavior of dogs. Go to the videos from Cesar Millan, you can learn a lot about it and understand that it works the same with people! It is NOT "the actual exchange of words from one individual to another that 'communicates' to one another". It is the transmitted energy that makes the communication possible or not! Being aware of it makes the communication possible. In a human relationship of course from both sides...

Linda: A lawyer representing his client and the myriad of precedent cases that can be used based on the facts of the case has to make a choice. The lawyer would only choose the precedent case that would help him to win the present case. In the same scenario, a couple in a relationship whether it is failing or not have the choice to choose the appropriate words of communication based on the end result. If a couple is in disagreement, one of the partners may choose to walk away. This will not solve the problem but there would not be a confrontation. In a failing relationship, the parties can choose to speak in positive conversations with the goal of getting the relationship back to congeniality that would be an attempt to get the relationship to reconciliation. In these two instances about the lawyer and the couple in the failing relationship choices are important based on what the end result is hoped to be.

BeiYin: You must be related to a lawyer understanding them so well and using the same language. I know enough about lawyers and the system behind them not wanting to talk about it...

Linda: In the case of the lawyer who is communicating in front of a judge, selection of the findings of a successful precedent case would win it for him. In the failing relationship scenario, the communication should be chosen to get the couple back together with steps stated in the hub about failing relationships and mediator must be used. Communication is the most important healing for a failing relationship.

BeiYin: Do you really believe a lawyer is 'communicating'? Then this istelling me clearly that you haven't really read my hub or you just ignored what I have expressed and what didn't fit into your understanding.

Linda: Take note that a meditator was not selected as to meditate is basically a one on one communication that should uplift and benefit the meditator. The mediator to fix a failing relationship is the relationship expert or the relationship counselor.

BeiYin: No where I mentioned that I am a 'meditator' or that this gives me the privilege or authority to give any advice. I will not continue to talk with some body who believes that a disease or a relationship can be 'fixed' by a 'mediator' and though any kind of manipulation.

Linda: In summary, communication is important in failing relationship and the spoken words should be examined rather than the myriad of superficial communication techniques that can be employed.

BeiYin: I repeat what I have written before: Of course 'communication is important in a relationship'. A relationship is failing, because there never has been a real *communication*. There has been from the beginning only the exchange of confirmation and when this didn't work any more, because of the reasons I had described, then there are showing up reactions, mostly anger, that turns the communication into a negative exchange and then the relationship 'fails', because they are holding on their established concepts and self images and don't want to look at it and nobody points this out, for sure not a lawyer or any body being part of the social system!

Linda: In addition, it is all right to look Americans in the eye as the response to the failing relationship hub not only looked an American in the eye but offered information of dissection that only routed the reader to the same concept: Communication is the most important aspect to failing relationship.

BeiYin: You see: Because I mentioned the word 'American' you are reacting defensive, taking it personally! I have made the experience in America that the slightest provocation is used to get out ones accumulated anger and when I write here then because I didn't noticed that you are American. By repeating that the given information in your hub is valid, pointing to the same concept, doesn't make it valid, you better should have commented to the essential issues I have written about...

Linda: If no one is talking then either the failing relationship stays at a level of defeat or get to the optimal level of being fixed and mended for the long term. Couples oftentimes can not fix the failing relationship themselves and need to consult the advice from a trained professional relationship expert or counselor.

BeiYin: Just 'talking', especially when it is done out of defense from hurt and disappointed people, doesn't solve any thing and indeed the relationship can't be 'fixed'. I have told about the steps that can be taken to make the relationship to a creative happening, but in this process the participants need to take *self responsibility* and getting out of dependencies. If they are not capable and don't want this, then a 'professional relationship expert' might help. But you should investigate about the success rate and you will be very disappointed! This is similar to other 'trained' methods in our society like the established health care system, oh, oh...
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BeiYin: In summary: This exchange with you is a perfect example why relationships fail and there seems no way that the participants come together to have a *real* relationship. You see: I was attracted by your picture and thought that my urge to communicate would be fulfilled by you and I had ignored the obvious signs that could have told me, reading your hub more carefully, that you are not the right person. But because of my need I went into it and luckily we haven't any kind of contract and so we can separate without any complication. From this exchange here it has become clear, that we are living in different worlds and even we are using many words, there is no *real* communication possible. I can see and understand you in your world, but you are not able and willing to do a step out of yours. So I can't say any thing more and just say: Thank you for your effort that gave me the opportunity to use this as an obvious example to demonstrate the difficulty of having a *real* communication on a level that unites the participants. If you might have any question, then I will be pleased to answer you, because I am absolutely sure that behind your demonstration of an 'authoritarian writer' there is an other side...
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Question: Can you explain what you mean by saying that you are living in a 'different world' than your exchange partner?

BeiYin: Ok, I will use a simple example: A fish is living in water, that is a completely different world than outside of the water. So a fish is not able to live in the 'other world' and is not able to understand any thing about it in case an other animal from the other world would tell some thing about it. A 'flying fish' who is outside the water for a short time when flying, at least knows that there exist another dimension, but will not understand much more. So the same with people: There are individuals who know, because they have information about scientific researches, that every thing that exist in our world is *energy* and also that what is seen as 'material'. So with this information it is possible to understand and to have the experience, that different energy are influencing others and so can use this understanding in ones daily life when dealing not only with material but also seeing the energy behind things and people who are also material and at the same time can be understood as *energy*. But then there is the other person who doesn't have the knowledge and understanding and just lives in this world where the material view is dominating and this person wouldn't be able to communicate with the other.

Question: So then there is no way that these people with two different world views can meet each other and have a *real* communication? There was the comment with the question if a communication would be possible and so also a relationship between people who just have an exchange like the one here and I can see that this might be possible even though your attempt with Linda failed. But what about a relationship that can't separate so easy and is bound because they have some kind of contract, like being married, having children or other responsibilities that holds them together, at least on the practical daily life level?

BeiYin: Yes, there is a way and this I have learned from my dogs and living together with them. Communication happens on the first place on an energy level. Dogs understand me, not the words I'm using, but they receive the energy behind and then they do what I'm asking for. I have been practicing this for a long time, but got the full understanding through the 'mediator' and expert Cesar Millan, watching his videos when he works with dogs and people...

Question: Is there an other ingredient that makes the understanding and the receiving of energy possible?

BeiYin: Of course there is... And this is something that also makes the communication and understanding between humans possible!

Question: Tell me, what is it? I'm anxious to know about it...

BeiYin: Well, what else can it be than *love*. Love between me and my dogs and the same love between the two communicating in a human relationship. - That is building the *bridge* between the two with all the differences of beliefs, concepts, world view and the self images of them or even being at a different step of evolution! This *love* will hold a 'failing' relationship together and will give the needed motivation and intensity to strive for the understanding and awareness to go beyond the personal differences.

Question: I do understand this, but let us presume that you have a relationship like one with a dominating lady like Linda, not just at a writing level but as a connection in daily life, with all the differences that showed up in your exchange with her and for sure there would show up more. How would you deal with that?

BeiYin: Good question. I believe a kind of relationship would be possible and a real communication, similar as I have described it being with my dogs. The advantage would be that I can understand her in her arguing attitude, even when she is flying high as a 'fish' and I would not expect that she understands me, when I'm living not only in the water, but also on the land and in the sky. I would accept her in her way how she is and wouldn't want to change her, just expressing myself when this seems adequate.

Question: But if she wants to change you, wanting to dominate out of her strong personality, what would you do then?

BeiYin: Well, I would just say: "No" - Not very strong, but clear enough out of my sovereign position and that should be enough, I wouldn't need to fight for my position or attitude, at least it works with my dogs and also with people in my daily life. Not always easy because some times I don't feel like saying no, not wanting that the other person feels rejected and hurt, when it is not possible to explain clear enough why I must say this NO. But this is something I have to work on... Apart of this I like to deal with strong people, it's much more challenging than with weak people.

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This exchange was inspired by writings from Linda Goffigan. Many thanks to Linda!