Expectations - as a frame to learn, grow and heal onself!

BeiYin: Before we talk about expectation, let us see what this word-picture means: I see it as the attitude with that we are waiting for certain things to happen or that certain conditions will be fulfilled. This attitude is caused by our desire that the image we have established, built up by all the concepts we have gathered and stored in our 'data base', will be fulfilled. It is not only our more or less conscious desire, it is also caused by all the unconscious influences, that have built up through traumas and shocks and the fear that this will happen again. That also means that expectations are significant for ones personality and these are representing the personality with all consequences and makes that the individual is moved and is reacting in daily life situations out of ones expectations. That gives the conclusion, that being aware of ones expectations and observing these, can be the *key* to clear up ones personality with the stored programs, to free oneself from this (maybe) worn out straitjacket of personality. People can't yet use this *key* because they are totally identified with their expectations and so also with their reactions caused by these, - that are causing all the stress, frustration and disappointment that fills our lifes, with the manifested result showing up as symptoms of disease on all levels! (This topic will need a new hub!)

Now let us have a look what 'Wikipedia' tells us about 'expectations':
In the case of uncertainty, expectation is what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order.

There is more looking at 'expected value': In probability theory and statistics, the expected value (or expectation value, or mathematical expectation, or mean, or first moment) of a random variable is the integral of the random variable with respect to its probability measure. (...) This is not what we are looking for. At least I can't understand it.

Well, let us go to more practical life experiences, that we all have in abundance and see what we can get out of it to turn our life into a *creative* learning and growing process, in that we actively are healing ourselves - not feeling as a victim of conditions that we can't manage...

I will explain a bit what the background is of the following talk: About four years ago, when after half a year of searching and then after one year of treating myself, I could finally heal my inguinal hernia. During this time I had written a report about my healing process at my Web site and had many visitors, no wonder, as there are 300 million people with an inguinal hernia world wide! I created a 'Hernia Support Group' to share my experience with others who wanted to avoid surgery, with the intention to find an alternative way to heal their hernia. - But soon I had to find out, that even though people were looking for an alternative way, they still were not willing and capable to go into a healing process, that involves their total engagement. They mostly followed the usual trend to find the most easy and fast way to get rid of the symptoms. When I explained again and again, that one must be involved with ones whole being, that is with ones body, ones mind and emotions and because of this not only make exercises, take food supplements and keep an optimistic attitude, but also needs to make exercises to bring oneself into balance and find access to ones intuition, then I was mostly ignored and hardly anybody visited the links I gave, - at least there was not any comment or question showing up.So I watched the group happening that mostly turned around means to help with their pain and other symptoms. In this 'supporting' each other. When I pointed out that the healing demands self responsibility and going into transformation with ones whole existence, then again there was no response and I was ignored with my suggestions. Meanwhile the group had 150 members and when after about three years not even one person was healed, even though I'm convinced that one year should be enough to be able to heal oneself, being an adult with an average body condition and not being older than about 85. When I observed, that people in this group were not able and willing to go beyond 'supporting' each other, then I decided to leave this group to start other projects that were waiting and seemed to be more effective. So some body else was willing to be the moderator for the group and so I left. Now here comes the following comment:

Comment: I think that a person can be frustrated only if that person has an expectation, which I think you do. It seems to me that you want someone -- anyone -- to replicate, within a certain time frame, what you have accomplished. That's fine, but let's be clear about what is going on.

BeiYin: I don't remember that I have written or said that I'm frustrated. - Reflecting about it I can say: I'm not frustrated about the lack of response in this hernia group and going further I can say that I am hardly ever frustrated about any thing that happens around me. Then you will ask me how this is possible, because every body is frustrated, as hardly any thing is how one would like it to be. Exactly! That's the key: I accept my surrounding and people like they are and so I am not disappointed or frustrated. Over all I understand that every thing is part of my learning process and that of course is the daily happening with people, conditions, expectations and reactions. And if I am reacting to a situation then this tells me, that I have established a certain expectation within my world view and that the reality of this person or condition does not confirm this. So then I can adjust my attitude and view. I might have done a step in my learning and with this probably reduce or adjust my expectation. But that doesn't mean that I will give up all expectations. I believe that these give us a frame in which we can move and find ourselves. The essential difference is, that if one is totally identified with ones reactions in mind and emotions, then ones feeling of *existence* is strongly effected and one will go up and down with ones reactions, dependent if one is confirmed in ones expectations or not. Then there is hardly any learning and growing possible and also no *healing*. This is the main reason why people can't heal their hernia when they 'turn around themselves', that means: when they are stuck in their reactions.
I will give another example: When I have given certain rules for visitors and members here at FalconBlanco and that is: NO smoking, NO drugs and NO alcoholics, then my expectation is that these conditions will be respected and smoker, drug addicts and alcoholics will stay away. (Not because I don't accept them as 'human beings', but because it has shown in many years of experience, that these people are not capable to relate and respond to the situation and the information that are given here at FB.) Reality shows, that smoker, addicts and alcoholics are liars, they don't want and they can't relate in a creative way to their daily life and they use these means of taking substances to escape, lying to themselves and so automatically to others (when I say 'liars' then I mean their attitude in general) and even though they know exactly about the conditions to come to FB, they come and do it any way. With the result that I found myself in a group of smoker, drug addicts and alcoholics. They used the place, that was thought to be a place for growth, learning and healing, for their personal survival needs. They were not interested in something else and so they were not motivated to work or to do things for the place or our intention. With the final result that they nearly ruined all. I had to tell them all to look for another place and finally after more than half a year they all left, leaving the place in a total mess, that I am trying to clean up during the last few months. New people who are coming, are leaving after a few days because they can't deal with the present conditions... Their expectations indeed are too strong connected with their self image and there seems to be no way that they do a step beside and use the situation as an exercise. People leave because they are disappointed in their expectations, even though I had told them precisely the disastrous condition of the place. You will ask: Are you frustrated about people and their behavior? You might not believe it, but I'm not! Of course I had expectations! So what? Reality has shown, that my knowledge about human nature is not complete and in this time I have learned more than if things would have gone just as I had expected them. So then why should I be 'frustrated'?
Now with this 'hernia support group' it is the same. I am not frustrated. I have learned that people can't jump over their own shadow and that would be necessary to heal oneself from an inguinal hernia, or with other words: One must go beyond ones personality! And with this stepping out of ones established 'fake reality'. To be able for this one must be ready and to be ready it is not enough to suffer extremely and that there is no other way around! That means that one can't escape by manipulating the condition, like letting do surgery. Not wanting surgery doesn't mean that then one is going to take self responsibility and one has the intention and energy to confront oneself. So then there is a conflict and the somehow sad result is that there is always a possibility to escape... One can engage oneself, believing one can heal oneself by doing exercises, etc. keeping oneself occupied. But this is not enough and the best advice and the clearest explication that could help to get out of ones so strongly established condition of ones personality, will be ignored and rejected. It is part of human nature to hold on to ones established structure, defending it and rejecting every thing that might reduce it even if it is real growing and healing. A person must be ready to allow an opening, if not ready, nothing can do it. To see this clearly was my lesson. I got it, so why should I be 'frustrated'? That includes that I make my conclusion coming out of this and so I make my decisions to be able to go on...

Comment: You have spent tons of energy trying to help others repeat your success and maybe it's time for you to shut down and rest. I think that would be very appropriate. By the way, you have not failed your intention, you have failed your expectation.

BeiYin: You are right: there is a certain 'time frame' involved. I can't live as if I can endless turn around details, confirming people in their personal games. The last few years of my life I want to be more effective and that means that I need to be clear about the conditions and possibilities and don't waste my energy and time. For sure I will not 'shut down and rest'! If people are resistant and they prefer to play their games, then I will not insist telling them something they don't want to hear, because they are not ready for it. - That simple.

Comment: As a member of your hernia group from the very beginning, I can't put into words the benefits of having linked up with this group -- even though there are no claims of healing - YET. I, for one, am still "cooking" on all the ideas and experiences shared in this forum, am reflecting on my own condition and am not the least bit concerned about the time factor.

BeiYin: It seems to me that your condition and the sharing about it in this group keeps you occupied in a 'good way' as you are progressing. You can't see yet that the *real healing* includes that your whole *being* will be transformed and so then there will not be any need to fill emptiness or give good sense to what you are doing, to justify your escape strategies... But now is not the moment to go more into this and for sure I will not say more - when not being ask.

Comment: May I add that healing does not necessarily mean closure; but also well within the bounds of positive continuation as well as maintaining current status without degradation. Many patients with different diseases live a whole lifetime without being cured but instead stabilized with the proper therapy. Acceptance of a certain condition unprogressing in either direction is relative to the recipient's desire to move in some direction other than the present; whether or not that person can realize there is a way to do that. Some tough it out and progress; others give in and accept defeat. If those who accept defeat could just come to a site such as this and get involved in a meaningful way before losing the battle; defeatist attitude would be very difficult to maintain. Here hope is alive and prospering well! Hope reveals the strength of our combined spirit to succeed!

BeiYin: Oh yes, there are many good arguments to maintain ones current status. That's right: The mass of people live like this their 'whole lifetime', without 'being cured', but 'stabilized' in their established personality with 'the proper therapy' of chemical medication. And so on... What you are talking about? You are describing our society! Is that what you call 'support'? For sure that's not what I want and that's why I left this group in which you feel so hippy. "Hope reveals the strength of our combined spirit to succeed!" Oh boy! This is too much! I'm so glad that I could escape this group and can escape this talk. - Now I understand why it feels sooo good not having the need to respond!!! Now I can understand how people feel and why they ignore my writings! Now I can feel nearly like a normal person by not relating and responding what comes to me...

Comment: No comment.

BeiYin: Thank you sooo much! - - -But the title of this talk is 'expectations', I nearly forgot this! So I will tell a little story about 'expectation' and why better not to have them:

Two guys were sitting in the Hofbrauhaus in Muenchen, with their humpen of beer having a deep talk, - kind of what we just had, - one guy asks the other: "Do you believe in life after death?" Responded the other: "No, I don't believe in it!" "Why not?" "Because when I believe in it and then it isn't, then I will be disappointed, but when I don't believe in it and then there is, then I will be glad and happy! So pretty clear that I better not believe in it - not having any expectations!"

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BeiYin: Now let me be more serious. I want to reflect about this topic to come to a result that not only brings clearing to my condition but also might animate others. With this I'm already in the middle of my thoughts: Why I am writing all this? Why I do this in a public place like the 'Hub Pages'? This is easy to answer: Because when I see that it helps me, then I want to share it with others so that they can use it to help themselves getting out of a dilemma or finding an answer they might have about a conflict. - I thought about it in how far there is still the need to be confirmed in what I'm expressing and so I came to the result of this new chapter:

Expressing myself without Expectation

I believe that expressing oneself is very important. Many people are suppressing this vital need out of fear that this will provoke others and so it might cause reactions coming back that hurt them. We know that always holding back with ones feelings is not healthy and also it inhibits the possibility of communication with others, so then one will feel lonely in ones closed shell. I'm lucky not to have this condition and I am expressing myself freely whenever there is an occasion for it and as I'm rarely angry so I'm seldom causing bad reactions. In contrary, again and again I have made the experience, that when I express myself freely out of my good energy, then this is causing surprisingly positive reactions. For example when I talk with an 'angry' policeman who is demonstrating his 'authority' and then he is changing, opening and showing me that he is just a human being with feelings...

Question: Is there a teaching how to do this?

BeiYin: The best teaching comes from your daily life, when you relate to what shows up and then being aware of your reactions and the response to your expression that then comes from others. There is one 'teacher' who in my view is a really 'spiritual teacher', because he is very grounded in his work and he is bringing people to a concrete experience of their energy. His name is Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer. He is working with dogs and he has surprising results, but one can learn a lot from him, using it for oneself...

BeiYin: Back to my reflections: So I am expressing myself freely, to people and also in my writings. What about my *expectations*? Hm, again I can say, that I have no specific expectations. As I have dropped the fear to cause 'bad reactions' and my experience now confirms my new attitude, so I'm not yet sure if I have any expectation or if I just allow myself to be surprised of what comes back. With people in direct contact it is simple to find out, more difficult it is with my writings. Here at Hub-Pages there are few visitors and there is hardly any response to my hubs. I know from many years of experience that only one out of 10.000 is interested in the subjects I'm writing about, so indeed I have not much expectations to reach people. I express myself because it doesn't only make me feel good, but I believe that it might give an answer to some one who is looking for it. I know also from experience, that only very few people give a feedback even they found something valuable.

I must admit that the last time I was not so motivated to write, because of the lack of response, but thinking about it my conclusion frees me from those expectations. I can express myself and I don't depend on any kind of reaction. I guess this also will give me and my writings a different energy,,, Don't you think so?

Comment: With your last question you show that you still have the expectation to receive a response. So what kind of game you are playing now with us?

BeiYin: You are perfectly right: I am joining the game of having some communication and maybe being animated by your comments. I also of course like a human contact and have some fun... It is a matter of facts that I don't depend on it, I have plenty of fun in my daily life!

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Links related to this hub:

If you want to heal your hernia, you need to be a pioneer!